


for a moment there I thought we were in trouble

by theonlytwin



Series: let's you and me jump in that river [1]
Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:20:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonlytwin/pseuds/theonlytwin
Summary: It’s unethical, probably illegal - Jared would know which. And that’s why whenever Richard could - say something, or do anything - he doesn’t.





	for a moment there I thought we were in trouble

**Author's Note:**

> title from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - thnks to robokittens for the beta!

It’s kind of - it’s like - so the thing about Jared is that he’s as subtle as a mid-nineties Geocities site. Jared is, in his own quiet way, blinking text. Jared is a gif that needs a seizure warning, 

It takes maybe a few months for Richard to figure out that the whole - thing - isn’t just Jared’s way of expressing gratitude for being given an out from Hooli and Gavin and intramural kickball. 

Well, it is gratitude, in part, but it’s not just gratitude. 

Richard figures out that it’s - like, it’s romantic feelings. Jared has romantic inclinations towards him. Richard knows this. There was no lightbulb moment so much as a careful compilation of undeniable evidence.

He doubts it, a couple of times. A lot, a lot of times, he doubts himself all the time, he doubts why anyone would ever be interested in him, obviously. 

Especially Jared, who’s - like, not traditionally handsome or pretty or whatever, but Richard hates those people anyway - Jared is pale and tall and can’t keep any body weight on his bones and he’s - fucking lovely. His hands are - big, and his eyes are light and when he smiles, it’s - remarkable.

So it’s not - unmutual. The, like, romantic inclinations. Richard, though, is a catastrophe, and also - Jared’s boss? It’s unethical, probably illegal - Jared would know which. And that’s why whenever Richard could - say something, or do anything - he doesn’t.

Instead, he just - doesn’t tell him not to do all the stuff he does. Richard accepts cups of coffee with one and a half raw sugars mixed in, messenger bags with perfectly balanced contents, sandwiches with perfectly balanced nutrition, ironed clothes, iced water, soft smiles, kind and careful hands tucked under his elbow or briefly brushing against the small of his back. 

He accepts these things from Jared. Not because Richard thinks he deserves them - but because it would be like, cruel, to tell Jared that he’s doing something wrong. It’s not wrong. It’s - inadvisable and inexplicable, and Richard isn’t gay - he’s watched some gay porn because, like, who hasn’t, and he’s had - thoughts, because, y’know - anyway. 

Jared says “Oh captain, my captain,” and Richard’s stomach flips over. Jared wraps his arms around Richard at TechCrunch and Richard’s whole body remains aware of it for the rest of the day. Jared gives him his pants like it’s - nothing. Things just - keep happening.

****

He has dreams about Jared, which start when he’s sleeping in Richard’s room. They’re not - sex dreams, exactly. He does have the occasional brief fantasy, but the recurring dreams are different. They’re really - fucking - tame. 

They’re just dreams where Richard is in bed with Jared - both of them clothed - and Richard is awake, in the dream, watching Jared sleep, and when Jared starts speaking German, Richard puts a comforting arm around Jared - protects him. 

In the dream, he touches the warm skin at the back of Jared’s neck, feels his breath even out - in the dream, it’s dark, and he can just see the edge of Jared’s ear catching the light. 

They don’t even - kiss, in the dream. Jared doesn’t wake up, in the dream. Richard just holds him, in the dream.

In real life, Richard does nothing. 

When Jared moves into the garage, the dreams don’t stop.

****

Opting out of PiperChat is satisfying for lots of reasons, and one of them - not the main reason, he’s not a dick, he’s not like Erlich, but it is, he can admit, in the top ten reasons - is the idea that maybe, after enough time being bifurcated or whatever, maybe he can like - get a drink with Jared and have a relationship that isn’t 100% work based.

But - Richard is a catastrophe. He knows this, sometimes, when he’s suddenly aware that he’s wearing soaked clothes for reasons that seemed totally logical at the time. And he’s so - he’s so fucking close to the decentralised internet, it’s going to revolutionise how people do everything, it’s important, more important than - a thing that might not even _be_ a thing, because it’s not like he and Jared have ever - talked about it. 

They just stand close to each other. Jared takes care of him, and Richard always tries to tell Jared that he’s done well, which he always has. That’s not a reason to - do or not do anything.

****

So when he sees Gavin about the patent, it makes sense to just - partner up. Jared’s not part of this. That’s fine. 

The prospective first recruit is superficially good at flirting but doesn’t even remember Jared’s name. This is just - typical of Gavin’s people, and Richard expects more of the same. He expects more fucking Belson bulldozing. He’s already a little worried.

And then Jared comes and says, “You need me!” and Richard thinks, yeah, I do. I do. Fuck.

****

After Richard has sex with Dan Melcher’s fiancée on the floor of the insurance office - like a dick, like Erlich - Jared’s first question is if he’s in love, which - like, no. Jared says, “You’re a catch, just deal with it,” which - still, no. But it makes him feel - something, because Jared doesn’t say things he doesn't believe.

Which means when Liz lists all the ways the sex was terrible, Richard can’t stop thinking: the sex was not good because I am not attracted to you, and you’re not attracted to me, probably. I said gulp because I realised as you were taking your shirt off that what I really wanted to do was go home, where Gilfoyle and Dinesh were playing some shitty fps and Erlich was filling the air with second hand pot smoke and Big Head was writing something unique but dumb and Jared was - was - separating the recycling or cooking pasta or ranking possible investors or talking about romcoms or just _looking_ at him - Richard realised he’d rather be in a room with Jared just looking at him than in a room with a woman who was taking her shirt off.

So when she walks out the door and he says “I was born to roam,” what he means is: I’m going home.

****

Jared is alone in the kitchen when Richard comes in. He looks up, bright eyed. “How’d that go, Richard? Were there tears? Were you firm but kind?”

“Uh,” Richard says, “no, but it was fine. We - we’re in, they’re up for the trial.”

“Of course they are! It’s a great opportunity and I’m sure you let her down masterfully enough that she was grateful for,” Jared starts, but Richard waves his hand.

“It wasn’t - it’s fine, it wasn’t anything. But it’s - like, it’s so dumb that this was even a situation because, just because Dan is marrying his co-worker, and she’s so - I was just there, which is such a terrible reason to - like, the whole thing is bad, it’s a bad situation, and workplace romance is just - always doomed, because you’re just bringing all this new tension into a - place that doesn’t need more tension, right?”

Jared’s eyebrows are drawn together. “Richard, I’m asking because we’re going to continue in business with this organization - are you sure you’re not in love with her?”

“I am not in love,” Richard sighs, looking directly at Jared’s face, which he sort of tries not to do too often, “with her.”

“Oh.” Jared’s forehead smooths out. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” He looks away, at his hands, at his feet. 

It hangs there, and Richard scrubs a hand through his hair. “Anyway, we have - we have a lot of work to do.”

“We - we do?” Jared blinks, very slowly. “We do. We have to - get the rollout ready.”

“Yeah,” Richard says again, because it’s sort of sinking in that he’s just declared himself in a way that’s also a - fucking rejection. He’s told the person he needs the most that he - needs him, but also that they - can’t. Jesus, this is basically assault, that he’s committing right now, assaulting Jared with his feelings, which are 100% valueless.

“We’re close,” says Jared, and he clears his throat, “to your vision becoming - real. And I’m so glad you have the - the clarity to know what’s important.”

Richard shrugs, now unable to look at any part of Jared. 

“I’ve - always admired your dedication,” Jared says. 

“Oh, same,” Richard tells him, glancing up, “like, really. You bring - so much. To the company, and - everything.”

“Thank you,” Jared is blushing, and Richard kind of wants to - touch his cheek, which would be bad. “I mean, I try.”

“You do so much,” Richard says, and tries to smile. “No false humility, now - you’re a catch!” His breath hitches, “For - for the company.”

Jared nods.

Erlich slams the swinging door open with a bong in one hand and an empty Oreo sleeve in the other. “Did Dan the man fold like dirty, dirty sheets?”

Richard takes a step back from Jared. They’re not even standing that close. “I’m not sure why you would fold dirty sheets, but, uh, yes?”

“Dirty like the sheets I fucked his wives on,” Erlich says, as though it were obvious. “Still can’t believe you wouldn’t let me have a crack at her. Boiling over with sexual potential - wasted on Dan.”

“Um,” says Jared, “it went well.”

“Mmhm,” says Richard, and almost runs out of the room.

****

The next few weeks - are - bad. It’s almost like - it’s like Richard fucked everything up by saying this thing. It’s almost like Richard always fucks up everything.

****

He doesn’t regret the - the pineapples. 

He - does regret PoopFare.

Jared yells at him. 

It’s bad. Richard is - bad. He hasn’t slept.

He still hasn’t slept when Jared - retires. 

Of course he retires, he’s been too good for this fucking shit show since day one, and it’s been his fucking - faith in the thing that’s kept it afloat as long as it has been, and Richard - forces his hand with the rules from the handbook he wrote, because he - needs Jared.

Less than twelve hours later he - fires Jared. 

Because he can’t bare to look at Jared’s disappointed face. Because he’s only gonna make it worse, this thing that’s not a thing, Richard is going to poison this delicate thing that Jared’s created with, y’know, handbooks and sandwiches. Because it’s like - cauterisation.

****

Anton is spread across the streets because Richard fired Jared and this is what he deserves.

****

He has this plan where - like - he comes into the condo, he explains that he fucked up, and that Pied Piper is over, and he apologises and, and maybe - they - kiss? 

It’s a stupid plan. He shouldn’t expect shit from Jared. He just wants Jared to know that he was right, and that he deserves better, and the fact that Richard wants to kiss him is super secondary.

So when Jared doesn’t let him in - when Jared has? Women? In his condo? It makes perfect sense. 

Richard just - apologises. Lets him know that he was right! And Richard was wrong. He was wrong. He is wrong. It’s wrong for him to be at Jared’s condo.

So he - leaves, he walks away, thinking that he is going to give Jared, like, so much space, and it’s gonna be real mature of him. Jared’s gonna - fuck, he’s gonna move on, and that’s great, that’s so good for him.

Jared pulls up with a letter in like seven minutes, and Richard feels - everything. He feels guilty, and joyous, and lucky, and relieved. 

It’s the wrong letter, which is - fine, it’s funny. It’s fine, this is something they’ll laugh about at their tenth anniversary, maybe, Richard thinks. They drive all the way talking about - like, not even work. About the Tron movies. About the new Blade Runner movie and how it’s gonna suck, like, statistically, it must. About making pesto from scratch, which Jared swears by, because of course he does. 

It’s so fucking - nice.

****

And then Pied Piper rises from the grave like Jesus his goddamn self, and Dan Melcher beats the shit out of Richard, which sucks, but is also fine, because a) it’s less than he deserves and b) Jared springs to his rescue, which is, like, nice. 

Jared, somehow, sources an ice pack in someone else’s office, and holds it to Richard’s face while Liz apologises. 

“It’s fine,” Richard says, as Jared grasps his chin and huffs an exasperated breath. “Everything’s fine.”

****

And it is - but it isn’t. 

Pied Piper is alive, which means that Jared works for him again, and they won’t have a tenth anniversary. 

****

“Hey,” says Richard, when Jared’s standing in the kitchen again. “You - you still want that job? You - don’t have to, like, when you gave me that letter, it was mostly a gesture, right?”

“Richard,” Jared says, calmly, “you need me.”

“Yeah,” Richard nods. “Yeah. Fuck.”

Jared just nods, and his phone buzzes.

“Um,” Jared says, “Gavin wants to meet you.”

“Fuck,” says Richard, and rubs his eyes. “When did he get back into the country?”

“About - six hours ago?”

“Of course, right. Yeah. OK. I’ll meet him.”

“Be - Richard, I know our working relationship is still recovering from a great deal of trauma, so please understand that what I’m saying is from a place of absolute care and responsibility - please, be careful.”

Richard looks at Jared - sweet, good, morally upstanding and highly dutiful Jared - and he grins from behind his black eye. 

“Sure,” Richard says, and he wants to touch Jared’s cheek, but that would still be bad. “I’ll be careful.”

Jared sighs, and then _he_ reaches up, _he_ touches the skin under Richard’s eye. Richard feels a blush crawling up his throat. 

“Workplace romances are so fraught,” Jared’s fingers ghost over his cheekbone. “Good decisions are subsumed by emotional reactions.”

“People can be dicks,” agrees Richard, “but, like - people can be dicks even if they’re - not - in a romance.”

“I suppose so,” Jared says, and drops his hand.

“Oh, I’m - I’m talking about me. I’m the dick.”

Jared tips his head, smiles sadly. “I know what you’re talking about, Richard.” 

Richard swallows dryly. “I’m gonna - do better.”

“You already have,” Jared says.

It’s more than he deserves, Richard knows, and it’s less than what he wants - but it’s what he needs.


End file.
